Herald Of Faith, Inc.   www.heraldoffaith.org
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Dealing With Conflict
(from Proverbs)

We are to seek God’s wisdom rather than man’s

Proverbs 2:3-5
3 For if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding;
4 If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures;
5 Then you will discern the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God.

The first step in conflict is to realize that we don’t have the wisdom ourselves to bring a spiritual solution to the situation. Even when we think our wisdom is sufficient, we remember that God’s wisdom is higher than ours, and that its highest expression is in the Cross. (Isa 55:9)

We are to trust that God will be glorified in the conflict

Proverbs 3:5-7
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil.

God’s purpose in leading us into conflict is often to develop some quality in our own character, to “make your paths straight.” So we must trust that God will achieve His purpose in the situation, even though it may not seem like the right thing to us at the moment.

We are not to be overly defensive, and we can be generous in praise, even with our opponents.

Proverbs 3:25-27
25 Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes;
26 For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.
27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do {it.}

When you set aside your personal defensiveness, you can see the situation objectively, and you can see your opponent objectively. A recognition of your opponent’s good qualities serves to humanize the conflict and ease tension. Respect and praise for your opponent can ease tension.

We are to seek ways to escape the consequences of our own foolish statements.

Proverbs 6:1-5
1 My son, if you have become surety for your neighbor, have given a pledge for a stranger,
2 {If} you have been snared with the words of your mouth, have been caught with the words of your mouth,
3 Do this then, my son, and deliver yourself; since you have come into the hand of your neighbor, go, humble yourself, and importune your neighbor.
4 Give no sleep to your eyes, nor slumber to your eyelids;
5 Deliver yourself like a gazelle from {the hunter's} hand and like a bird from the hand of the fowler.

In the heat of an argument, we sometimes say or do foolish things. We need to acknowledge the fact, and try to escape the consequences of our own foolishness by humility, repentance, and reconciliation.

We are to seek uprightness, and especially unity

Proverbs 6:16-19
16 There are six things which the LORD hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him:
17 Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
18 A heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil,
19 A false witness {who} utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers.

The enemy’s strategy has been to “divide and conquer.” We must bear in mind the larger issue of unity in the church and among the people, and not allow less important issues to destroy our basic unity in our work for God’s Kingdom.

We are to speak from a heart of love

Proverbs 10:11-12
11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.
12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.

Especially in conflict, we must examine the motives of our heart. We are always seeking a win/win situation. If we “win” and the other “loses” we can lose basic unity and cause bitterness. Our goal is not to expose our opponent’s weaknesses, but to restore our relationship.

It benefits us to be merciful to our opponents

Proverbs 11:17
17 The merciful man does himself good, but the cruel man does himself harm.
Proverbs 11:25
25 The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered.

When you show mercy to your opponent, he find it easier to be merciful with you.

We are to speak with few words

Proverbs 10:18-19
18 He who conceals hatred {has} lying lips, and he who spreads slander is a fool.
19 When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.
Proverbs 17:27-28
27 He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
28 Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is {considered} prudent.

Most arguments can be reduced to simple propositions that can be discussed. When irrelevant things enter in, we tend to get confused about the real issues. When you talk too much, you say things you shouldn’t.

Others will recognize when God’s wisdom flows through us.

Proverbs 12:8
8 A man will be praised according to his insight, but one of perverse mind will be despised.

We ourselves seldom recognize when we have spoken a word of wisdom. We want to be alert when God is speaking through another, and recognize the gifts God gives through them.

We are not to show anger or offense

Proverbs 12:16
16 A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor.
Proverbs 19:19
19 {A man of} great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue {him} you will only have to do it again.
Proverbs 16:32
32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Self control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). When your opponent senses that you are angry or that you feel offended, both his and your emotions will begin to cloud your good judgment.

We are not to flaunt our knowledge

Proverbs 12:23
23 A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.

In conflict, try to concentrate only on those things that have to do with the issue at hand. To show off other knowledge is to use means other than good reason to gain advantage. It also tends to cloud the issue with irrelevant information.

We are to be respectful to others

Proverbs 13:10
10 Through insolence comes nothing but strife, but wisdom is with those who receive counsel.

When we use insult, irony, satire, or name-calling, we bring emotional factors into the discussion. This closes down communication.

We recognize that people cover their real feelings.

Proverbs 14:13
13 Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and the end of joy may be grief.

People will frequently use humor to cover their real feelings. Sometimes the humor “bites” and we recognize that it is covering hostility. We listen for what the heart is feeling rather than only listening to the words spoken.

We are to listen with judgment.

Proverbs 14:15-16
15 The naive believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps.
16 A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is arrogant and careless.
Proverbs 18:17
17 The first to plead his case {seems} right, {until} another comes and examines him.

Proverbs 20:14
14 "Bad, bad," says the buyer, but when he goes his way, then he boasts.

We are to be “wise as serpents.” Careful questioning can help us to realize when someone is trying to be less than candid with us. We are to be aware of negotiating postures

We are to respond graciously and kindly

Proverbs 15:1-2
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.
Proverbs 15:4
4 A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.

We try to speak in words that calm the emotions, whether in making our own arguments or responding to the arguments of others.

We are to accept correction

Proverbs 15:12
12 A scoffer does not love one who reproves him, He will not go to the wise.
Proverbs 15:31
31 He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.
Proverbs 17:10
10 A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.
Proverbs 27:5
5 Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed.
Proverbs 27:6
6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

There is almost never one who is completely right and the other completely wrong. Every conflict can help us develop and learn where our own weaknesses lie.

We need counsel to help us establish our strategies in conflict

Proverbs 15:22
22 Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.
Proverbs 15:28
28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Proverbs 18:1-2
1 He who separates himself seeks {his own} desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom.
2 A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.

We need help to overcome the conflict, not merely to bolster our position in it. There is great danger when a conflict rises to a level where “teams” are formed.

We are to seek answers in the Bible

Proverbs 16:20
20 He who gives attention to the word will find good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
Proverbs 28:9
9 He who turns away his ear from listening to the law, even his prayer is an abomination.

It is appropriate to seek for examples of similar conflicts in the scriptures. This shows us how God chose to lead other people of faith. In Acts 15, the leaders cited the scriptures, and also found that it seemed that the Spirit confirmed their decision. At times, we may find direct answers or direction through Scripture.

We are to be prudent in what we say

Proverbs 17:9
9 He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

Not everything should be made public. Never expose sin in public unless it is absolutely necessary.

We are to deal with conflict early

Proverbs 17:14
14 The beginning of strife is {like} letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.

Consider whether the issue is worth fighting about. We want to keep conflict at a low level, but we must face up to the conflicts that can affect the church or our relationship with God. Small things can become major problems if not dealt with early and properly.

We are to maintain a cheerful attitude

Proverbs 17:22
22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

We live in the joy of faith (Philippians 1:25). We convey faith when we maintain a pleasant attitude toward the conflict and toward our opponent.

We are to avoid gossip and rumor

Proverbs 18:8
8 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

We often hear unsubstantiated comments about other people, and these comments form our opinion of their character. We need discipline to not allow slander to influence sound judgment. Some people deliberately slander others.

We are to listen first, and then speak

Proverbs 18:13
13 He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.
Proverbs 25:8
8 Do not go out hastily to argue {your case;} otherwise, what will you do in the end, when your neighbor humiliates you?

Most people are not able to listen to others’ arguments until they are persuaded that their own arguments have been listened to. It is good to summarize your opponent’s argument before you give your own.

Words are life and death matters

Proverbs 18:21
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Your words not only make the argument; they also shape your character and your opponent’s character. Words can give life, as the Word made Flesh in John 1:1. They can also kill, as in calling a man a fool in Matthew 5:22. Blessing ministers life; cursing ministers destruction.

We are to speak the truth

Proverbs 19:5
5 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who tells lies will not escape.

In argument, it is tempting to present only the facts that support our position, and not consider those that go against it. We are seeking the will of God in our conflicts, not simply our own will, so we must remain objective in what we say and how we say it.

Especially in spiritual matters, we are not to jump to conclusions

Proverbs 20:25
25 It is a trap for a man to say rashly, "It is holy!" And after the vows to make inquiry.
Proverbs 28:26
26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.

We tend to get overly righteous in religious arguments. (Eccl. 7:16) We also tend to think too highly of our own spirituality. Your greatest temptation to pride may be in your own spirituality.

We are not to be influenced by a person’s position and power

Proverbs 23:1-2
1 When you sit down to dine with a ruler, consider carefully what is before you,
2 And put a knife to your throat if you are a man of {great} appetite.

In conflict situations, we must meet as equals with the common goal of solving the conflict. We are not to intimidate others, nor to be intimidated by others.

We are to speak up when we see danger coming

Proverbs 24:11-12
11 Deliver those who are being taken away to death, and those who are staggering to slaughter, Oh hold {them} back.
12 If you say, "See, we did not know this," does He not consider {it} who weighs the hearts? And does He not know {it} who keeps your soul? And will He not render to man according to his work?

Love speaks up to protect those going into danger. We cannot allow others to drift into serious sin because we are afraid to speak up. (Ezek 3:19)

Sometimes you don’t know what to do or say

Proverbs 26:4-5
4 Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will also be like him.
5 Answer a fool as his folly {deserves} that he not be wise in his own eyes.
Proverbs 26:16
16 The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can give a discreet answer.

Do you answer or don’t you answer? Sometimes answering a fool makes you look like a fool. The purpose is to change the situation. If you realize the situation won’t be changed, don’t “cast your pearls before swine.” (Matthew 7:6)

We are not to show favoritism because someone is from our family, our church, our community, etc.

Proverbs 28:21
21 To show partiality is not good, because for a piece of bread a man will transgress.

We try to maintain objectivity in arguments. We don’t want to engender feuds between families.




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Herald Of Faith, Inc.
PO Box 7
Anoka, MN 55303
763-427-0739
fax 763-427-0830

www.heraldoffaith.org